Why Lube?

One of the last things I would ask my customers while I rang them up was, “Do you need any lube with that?  Most folks would brush me off, leading me to believe that many of us don’t fully understand that lube is a great thing to have! It’s especially great if you are using toys, but it’s not much of an exaggeration to say that lube can make all sex better. It ensures that everything stays comfortable for everyone until the very end.

Given that, why would anyone choose to go without lube? Let’s look at some of the reasons people shared with me.

The most common response I heard was along the lines of, “I/they/we get plenty wet, we don’t need it.” And while I’m sure that’s true for a while, the truth is that no matter how much lubrication you produce naturally, eventually it will run dry. The human body doesn’t have the ability to produce lube indefinitely. If you happen not to be done by that point, having a bottle of lube nearby makes it a non-issue.

Another response I heard often was, “Oh, I just use spit.” While saliva is perfectly fine for some help with a bit of external twiddling, it isn’t enough for anything more adventurous. That’s because it’s very thin, dries quickly, and unless you’re taking hydration to superhuman (or dangerous!) levels, it’s tough to produce enough to keep it up for long. Great for a quickie; not enough for a real play session.

Then there were the folks who have had bad reactions to lube in the past. Understandably, they were not interested in that kind of repeat performance! But here’s the thing to understand: while there are hundreds of different formulas of lubricants in the world, and each contains a huge number of ingredients, you are probably only sensitive to a few. The trick is to find one without the ingredients in question. 

Sometimes it’s as easy as switching brands, or switching the category of lube. For instance, silicone-based lubes are much less likely to cause reactions. Just avoiding ones that are flavored or warming/cooling helps some folks. Frequently, just switching to any lube that’s glycerin-free helps, since a lot of folks have issues with glycerin. Sometimes it takes a bit more investigation to figure out which ingredient is causing the problem, but once that’s done, finding a lubricant without it tends to be simple. (Look for more detailed information for going through that process in the shopping section.) 

The absolute worst reason why someone doesn’t want to use lube? When it’s because they’re using olive oil, Vaseline, Crisco, hair conditioner, or some other household or food product instead. Please don’t do this, especially if play involves anything other than people. All of the products I mentioned above can cause problems for humans, toys, condoms, dams, and potentially diaphragms. toys/condoms or both. Your chances of infection are so much higher using those substitutions than with an actual personal lubricant, and if you use latex in toys or any form of protection you are not as safe as you’re trying to be. (Hair conditioner does seem to be safer, but there are too many unknowns — and there’s a reason it isn’t indicated for internal use, after all.) I know that sex lubes can be expensive sometimes, but a little goes a long way, and spending the money is so much better than causing harm to yourself, other people, and/or your toys.

 Lubes are there to grease the wheels of sex, both literally and figuratively. In my own life, when I’m giving a partner a massage of even the most platonic kind I usually use a sexual lubricant of some sort. It works well, and if things turn sexy we can just continue our play without even having to think about internal safety. So whether we are talking about plain old missionary or just a bit of heavy petting, having the involved bits slide and glide rather than catch and chafe is a really good thing. Don’t knock it until you try it!

Coming up next is an introduction to the world of lubricants, so if you’re curious, let’s slide on into it!

Choosing a Lube

Like everything else in the mysterious world of “marital aids,” lubricant bottles tend to make big claims. Many of these are rather dubious: “Never dries out!” “The slickest ever!” “Feels just like your own fluids!” (Umm, which fluids!?) This can make choosing a lube really confusing as you try to look past the marketing crap. So, let’s start by looking at the very basic things to avoid — and then we can talk about the fun part: what you might want to try.

Please avoid:

Lubes packed with…health trends. 

Just because something is beneficial (or even just safe to eat) doesn’t mean it’s safe to have sex with. The vagina is very sensitive and the rectum absorbs everything. One year, a lube brand randomly put colloidal silver in all of their products. I called them to ask why, and the sales rep said, vaguely, “It’s good for you!” Well, a) there was no proof of that, and b) even if there were proof, it wouldn’t mean that you should put it everywhere! 

Putting sugar in a vagina.

That’s an infection waiting to happen. Generally speaking, don’t put any food in a vagina. That includes food grade-oils like olive, coconut, canola, etc. Have I known folks that have used oils, especially coconut oil, safely for years? Yes! Does that make oils a good idea in general? Nope! I’m very glad those folks haven’t gotten any infections, but that doesn’t mean you won’t. Oils are definitely in the use-at-your-own-risk category. And…make sure you read the next warning too.

Using oil with latex.  

That’s any oil, with any latex. Oil, even the most pristine and purified coconut oil, melts latex. Anything latex should be kept away from oil. If you use a diaphragm, ask your doctor or pharmacist what it’s made of, because many of those are latex as well. (Of course, you do have the option of buying non-latex condoms and dams.) 

Anything spermicidal.

The active ingredient is the problem here. Nonoxynol-9 is used in just about everything containing a spermicide, and it is a micro-abrasive. It works by essentially poking holes in the sperm cells. Unfortunately, we are also made of cells and it pokes holes in those, too. This not only causes irritation; it can increase the likelihood of contracting HIV or other blood-transmitted diseases. If you do use spermicide for contraception, don’t use it in lubricant form.

Lubes that claim to make anal easier or to “keep him erect.” 

So-called anal comfort lubes or stay-hard lubes have local anesthetics like lidocaine or benzocaine in them. So, good news: if the penis in question has an early blast-off issue, this kind of lube lessens it because it lessens sensation. Bad news: the orifice it is penetrating will also be numbed which is probably not the desired effect. Anal comfort lubes have the same issue, but in addition the skin and muscles they numb are nowhere near the muscles that create discomfort during anal.

Now, with those warnings out of the way, we’ll be getting into specific personal lubricants, what they are, and what they are best used for. I’ll also tell you which to avoid for certain activities and why. Then we’ll talk about how to choose one for yourself, and I’ll share some of the brands that my customers and employees have really liked over the years. We’ll start with the basics of water-based lubricants, like the original K-Y or good old Astroglide. So join me in the next chapter!

Water-Based Lubes

Water-based lubes are perfect for vaginal penetrative sex with people or toys and for external genitalia stimulation. This type of lube is also the most commonly available, and it’s been around the longest. It’s slick in a similar way to the fluids our bodies produce (think precum or vaginal lubrication) and because of that it feels more natural than any other type of lube. It is the easiest lube to use, doesn’t usually stain fabric and simply dries up or is absorbed in orifices fairly quickly. (It’s also easy to clean up; a wet wipe will usually do it.) You can get it different concentrations, depending on whether you just need a bit to supplement what occurs naturally or you need it thicker and slicker on a toy. It’s probably the most versatile type overall, and many people use it exclusively.

The water-based lube that everyone thinks of first is K-Y, and with good reason. It is sold in drug and department stores as well as sex stores because of its many medical uses. This is the ubiquitous stuff that goes hand-in-hand with prostate exams, sonograms, Pap smears, etc. It  was one of  the first water-based lubes on the market because it already existed as a medical tool. When the disadvantages of mixing oil and latex came to light, it was easy to move it on over to the sex products. While the company has since created a line of more sex-focused and better packaged products, there are far better water-based lubricants for sex out there now.

The disadvantages of water-based lube stem from the fact that it’s, well, water based. It dries out as you use it, so for vigorous play you may need to reapply often. It won’t stay where you put it in a bath, shower or hot tub, and it can get sticky over time. Some also contain glycerin, which is fine for most people but some folks with vaginas can be extra sensitive and prone to glycerin infections. If you are concerned about it, you might want to avoid glycerin altogether. 

Given the big variety of water-based lube products out there, it pays to check out a few different kinds at your local adult store. Get to know the differences in texture, stickiness, etc., and decide what you like. Frequently you can get tiny little one-time-use containers of lubes called pocket packs at your local store which are great for trying different kinds for yourself.

In the next installment, we’ll take a look at silicone-based lubes.

Silicone-Based Lubes

Fun fact: silicone lubricants are EVERYWHERE. There is silicone in every industry that needs lubricant and it’s even a favorite ingredient for hair conditioner. Just about every company that makes lube has a silicone version. Astroglide has Astroglide X. K-Y calls theirs True Feel. (I have no idea why, what does that even mean?)

Silicone-based lube is super slick and usually very thin. A little goes a long way and it lasts forever since it does not absorb into your tissues. It feels more like an oil than anything else but is much thinner and less goopy. Silicone is great for anal and for massages it is wonderful. This type will stay in place under water or in the shower and can even be pre applied to orifices up to an hour before activity and still be there for play. It is a very popular choice and pretty much any brand of lube you like will also have a silicone version. It can be more expensive than the other choices on this list, but since a bottle of it can last for literal years it is not a bad investment. I learned years ago not to buy the large bottle because a little goes such a long way. 

The best thing about silicone is also the worst thing about silicone. It’s super long-lasting, which is great during sex, but a little disconcerting the next day when you notice everything is still feeling slippery. The back door particularly can still feel greased up until enough (ahem!) waste matter has passed by to wipe it away. Removing silicone from anything at all is a challenge (and spilling it on the floor can be a long-lasting catastrophe if you are not careful!). For surfaces and non-genitalia skin you’ll want to use isopropyl (rubbing) alcohol, or a hand sanitizer that contains alcohol. Soap and water will work on items that can be washed, but that doesn’t always work with nightstands and floors. Silicone is also known to stain some fabrics and also waterproof the stains that were already there, which is a royal pain.

There are a couple of other issues with silicone lube as well. First, it can break down the silicone in silicone-based toys, creating a sticky or gummy surface that can’t be washed away. This shouldn’t be an issue with high-quality lubes and high-quality toys, but since every single company out there claims to use only the very purest silicone, that’s a bit hard to figure out. (For what it’s worth, I only use water-based lubes with silicone toys.)

Finally, silicone lube doesn’t like to stay in the bottle! It is so slick that it will literally lubricate the lid and make it more or less unscrew itself. I have given up on being able to transport the stuff at all. If the bottle has been opened or unsealed and it gets tipped at all, it’s going to spill. Honestly, even the sealed ones only give you a small chance of getting to a destination intact. (Each retail shipment I received of silicone lube would include at least one bottle that had leaked.) So if you’re planning a trip and prefer silicone, you’ll want to buy some when you reach your destination. 

For all of its issues, silicone-based lube is still an amazing lube. It is perfect for anal for pretty much anyone and if the vagina is not producing its own lube very well, silicone will last as long as you do. Pretty much any time you need things to be extra slick, especially if there has been pain or chafing, silicone is the way to go. By the way, it’s fantastic for massages, especially massages that will get more intimate. You can even get scented massage formulas.

Up next, we’ll look at the (very few!) uses for oil-based lubricants. 

Oil-Based Lube

Here’s what’s great about oil-based lube: It’s super slick and lasts a long time. It’s waterproof, which can be a real advantage in the shower, and can be really good for anal play or masturbation. All of those things make it a good choice for massage, as well. But…there are important issues to take into account.

Originally, oil-based lubricants were made with mineral oil, the same thing that is used in many baby oils. (And while they feel very similar to baby oil, they thankfully do not smell like baby oil.) There are also more modern oil-based lubes that are blends of much more natural oils.  

There are disadvantages to both oil bases, which is why you won’t find a lot of them in adult stores. First of all, any oil-based lube will be super slick, and can be very thick and goopy, meaning there’s considerable staying power. It won’t rinse away with water, and since your own fluids are water based, it takes time for the body to flush it away. That can be uncomfortable. Natural oil blends are much better in this respect because they are absorbed into the body. 

More traditional mineral oil-based lubes will linger for a lot longer. And, fun fact: because it’s a petroleum byproduct it will clog pores and anything else that gets in its way, including the sensitive mucous membranes found in human orifices. Natural oil lubes are less likely to do that, but they’re more perishable than most people (and manufacturers) think, though keeping them in the fridge can help with that. For all of these reasons, oil-based lube can cause all sorts of reactions in both the vagina and the rectum, so in many cases it is not the safest option.

The most critical disadvantage of oil-based lube is that oil dissolves latex. This is true of all oils, even natural ones. This means that latex condoms or toy covers are likely to rip or to start eroding while inside you. Latex is in a lot of sex products, from oral protection barriers to complete bodysuits. That’s the primary reason that you find very few oil-based lubes on the market anymore. 

There are also a few activity-specific lubes that are perfectly fine for their intended purpose. There are some that are intended for anal play without a condom (Boy Butter comes to mind) and others made for male masturbation (Wicked Masturbation Cream is a good one). These are truly the safest uses for an oil-based lube, other than a good platonic massage.

 Next up, we’ll tackle the wild world of hybrid lubes. 

Hybrid Lubes

Hybrids were created to solve the problems with the other kinds of lube. Water base can get sticky and silicone is really hard to clean up so a water/silicone hybrid was created to hopefully get a slicker lube that was easier to clean up. Truthfully that was just about everything you needed to know about hybrid lubricants for many years. They were the go-to lube for anyone who was dissatisfied with either water bases or silicone lubes. All of them at that point were silicone/water hybrids and most companies made their own version.

Then the coconut-oil trend really got going and a lot of people started using coconut oil as lube. This worked well for some people, especially those who weren’t totally comfortable buying sex-specific lube. I get it: Adult stores make a lot of folks nervous and drugstores tend to primarily offer K-Y and Astroglide. Both of those brands are fine, but it doesn’t leave folks with many options, especially if they have sensitivities.    

The problem with this whole trend (and I hope you’re sitting down for this) was that coconut oil is still oil and it will still eat through a condom or latex toy and can cause infections in some people. Alternatives were needed and with coconut oil being so popular the next step was obvious, especially to marketers! So of course the better lube companies started making a coconut oil/water base hybrid. This was the best of both worlds and gave folks who were having problems with straight coconut oil a new choice. 

These lubes are condom/latex safe despite being made out of oil and are less likely to cause issues to the tissues as it were. They do have one disadvantage remaining though, they are still mostly sold in adult stores. 

Hybrid lubes all feel pretty similar, regardless of whether they are a silicone hybrid or a coconut oil hybrid. They are slicker and longer lasting than most water-based lubes, though not at slick as regular oil- or silicon-based ones are, making clean-up easier. (But they can’t be used in water, so that’s not quite as big a win as it might otherwise be.)

Overall, hybrids are…fine. They work well. While they’re not the best for anything in particular, they are perfectly adequate at everything. They tend to be thicker than single-base lubes, especially the coconut oil variety. They are slick enough, but aren’t particularly superior to water-based lubes. There are lots of folks who swear by them, though, and I do wonder whether it’s just that they travel a lot and got tired of cleaning up silicone products! (And who could blame them?)

Coming up next: the plain-old slippery stuff that doesn’t fit neatly into our categories. See you there!

Other Lubes

The lubes that fall outside of our main categories are few, but they absolutely have their place. Most of them are all-natural, organic lubes. While they are technically water based, they have a very different feel to the lubes in our water-based category. These usually have aloe Vera or carrageenan as their main ingredient. We’ll go into greater detail in just a moment. 

There are two primary advantages to these lubes. First, the all-natural, organic part is very important to some folks, and that’s what these lubes are. Just remember that “natural” does not automatically mean “better for you personally in every way!” For instance, some natural lubes are formulated with oils and are not condom-safe. Always check those ingredients.

That said, this option is an absolute goddess-send for folks who have reaction issues with typical water-based lubes. (Options! Imagine that!)

Disadvantages vary by brand and type, of course, but there are some general qualities of this kind of lube that give me pause. In my experience, all-natural, organic lubes have been slimy/sticky, smelled strange, and went bad more quickly than any other type of lubricant. Obviously I have not tried every single one on the market, and there are new ones on the shelves all the time, so there very well may exist better ones. I would still sniff them and check expiration dates in addition to seeing how they feel, just to make sure. 

The main thing I have learned from these lubes is that slick is similar to, but not the same as, slimy. And many non-oil natural products that can be used as lube can be slimy. Even so, if you find that you are sensitive to most other types of lube, these are worth the experiment. 

So what else lives in the neighborhood of personal lubricant but isn’t? Male masturbation creams or formulas and anal “butters,” typically marketed towards gay men, and sold near lubes. These are not personal lubricants in the usual sense. In fact, masturbation formulas are not even really competing with actual lubes. They’re intended to replace the hand lotion, hair conditioner, or Vaseline that many penis-having folks will grab to slick the stick. These are not intended for internal use and the ingredients are not tested for internal safety. They’re not even intended to be used on mucous membranes, which makes them really a penis-only product. They are great for their intended purpose, especially since many penises don’t like water-based lubes and some folks with penises find silicone rather messy for masturbation. Just don’t forget and grease a condom with them though or issues might come up!

 Anal butters are similar to masturbation formulas, but are intended for unprotected anal sex. Despite the rather pointed marketing of anal butters, I expect that there are many couples of whatever makeup that feel safer not using condoms when entering the back door only. Keep in mind that unless the package specifies that it’s water- or silicone-based, it’s probably oil.  

Plot twist: now we’re going talk about conception for a couple of minutes. While I don’t have any personal expertise on the topic, there is one thing I need to mention here. Traditional lubes will absolutely make it tougher to conceive. If you are trying to conceive you’ll want to consider either a lube called Pre-seed or any other kind which is actually designed for the purpose.

That brings us to the end of our plain lube categories. (Why yes, that does imply we’ll be tackling fancy lubes in the future. Stay tuned!) Our final installment in this series is next: how to buy lubes. Let’s go! 

Shopping for Lube

Your next step, ideally, is to head into a local adult-type emporium and feel some stuff. Most stores will have tester bottles available. Take some time and feel the different brands and types and find one you think feels good, buy a small container and go have fun. Never buy a huge container of something new; you don’t know how the more tender bits will react. (And if you’d like recommendations, the people working in places like this tend to be happy to tell you what their favorites are.) 

What if you aren’t able to get to a store in person? Your next-best option is to buy lube sample packs online. I recommend looking for sample packs that include a variety of brands, as that’s more useful in terms of trying out what you like as well as trying out different formulas.

How to Test Lubes

If you’ve had a reaction to non-glycerin, non-active-ingredients lube in the past, the first thing to do is check the ingredients on the offending tube. If more than one lube that has caused problems, cross-check them to see what ingredients they have in common. Then compare those to the ingredients of lubes you are considering, and go with those whose formulas are very different from what you have already tried. 

This may all seem obvious, but a lot of folks don’t realize how different personal lubricant formulas can be. For example, most companies make a sensitive formula, and even those tend to be very different from brand to brand. (Incidentally, that makes the sensitive formulas a good place to start.) 

If the issue is an allergy, itching, tenderness, or redness, you can test for those by putting just a little on your arm or inside your lip. The arm is a good stand-in for any area with skin, like the penis, while the lip mimics areas with mucous membranes, like the vagina. 

 If the issue is a yeast infection, vaginal bacterial infection, or something else internal, then you’ll need to find a completely different formula to try. This is often the point at which folks try silicone and hybrid lubes; they are very different from typical water-based formulas and allow less absorption into the body.  

 

My Preferences

Disclaimer: I don’t use affiliate links and receive no compensation for these recommendations. They are simply products I like.

My current favorite water-based brand is Wicked Sensual Care. Since I mostly use water-based lubes; their Aqua is my go-to. They have a wide range, including one that’s free from allergens and ingredients that cause sensitivities. I also frequently use their Wicked Masturbation Crème for men as a fantastic unscented hand lotion.

System Jo makes a really good water-based lube as well. (It’s not quite as slick as Aqua, but I recommend both.) Also, they carry more than one formula for folks who have ingredient sensitivities. Sliquid and Überlube are another two brands I recommend. 

Regardless of my opinion, or anyone else’s, the important thing is to try a few kinds and see what works best for you. Be careful in your explorations and get rid of anything that causes discomfort but other than that just relax, explore and have fun!

Now that our lube journey has come to a close, it’s time to get ready for the next chapter. Let’s check out the world of cockrings and how they can help penises and the people who love them.